Deep Thoughts by Jack Handey


The face of a child can say it all, especially the mouth part of the face.

For me, the worst thing about having King Kong walk down your street is that kids could look up and see the giant genitalia.

Sometimes I think I'd be better off dead. No wait, not me, you.

One thing vampire children have to be taught early on is don't run with a wooden stake.

Laurie got offended that I used the word "puke", but to me, that's what her dinner tasted like.

Better not take a dog on the space shuttle, because if he sticks his head out when you're coming home, his face might burn up.

When you go for a job interview, I think a good thing to ask is if they ever press charges.

You know one thing that will really make a woman mad? Just run up and kick her in the butt. P.S.: this also works with men.

In weightlifting, I don't think sudden, uncontrolled urination should automatically disqualify you.